The Masculine in Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman

A Masculine core is based on the capacity of your nervous system to handle intensity and the mastery of a learnable set of skills

Most of us can actually spot Masculine energy very easily. There is a certain deliberateness and assuredness about a man who exudes it. You might observe that he:

Takes charge

Speaks confidently

Moves deliberately

Has strong presence

Stands with a grounded, natural posture

Seems unswayed by others

Has clear boundaries

Does not seem afraid of women’s emotions

States what he wants

Holds a steady gaze

Steps up to lead in a group

Speaks his truth

Has a strong purpose in life

Acknowledges his emotions

Seems fearless

Leads his woman in sexuality

Attracts others to him

Is listened to when he speaks

A man who doesn’t seem to be grounded in a Masculine core might:

Be overly expressive

Get defensive when verbally attacked

Collapse around Feminine energy or strong Masculine energy

Withdraw when feeling hurt

Nervously fidget or tap his hands or feet

Gets unconsciously angry when being shamed.

Talk too much to fill awkward silences

Try to initiate sex indirectly rather than directly

Compulsively try to please others

Get nervous with a beautiful woman

Slouch while standing or sitting

Withdraw in the face of his woman’s anger

Move and speak rapidly

Offer non-sequiturs in conversation

Be lazy or lack purpose

Deny that he’s feeling angry or scared

Be afraid to approach others in social situations

Fail to express or hold boundaries

Be physically out of shape

Be unable to make a decision

Be afraid to speak his truth

Be ignored by others

Have poor eye contact

In any given moment, you can ask yourself, "Am I being reactive, or choosing my response? Am I providing structure? Am I making my woman feel physically, financially, or emotionally safe?"

worldly pursuits

Rather, the primary Feminine responsibility is to reflect back to you where you are not caring for her, where you are not in your heart, where you are out of integrity, and where you are not conscious or present. John’s phrase for this role is that of "Oracle". She is your Oracle who shows you these blind spots.

APPROVAL SEEKING BEHAVIOR In this context, "approval" means that someone likes you, thinks you’re smart, interesting, competent, a good person, or otherwise finds you compelling. In other words, they "approve" of who you are. Absent this, it feels like they are rejecting you.

You’ve dreamed of starting your own business, but you fear that quitting your job would wreck your financial situation. Again, the fear is your mind resisting this outcome because of a subconscious belief that you could not recover financially from a temporary loss of income.

Of course, this is much easier said than done. You will not achieve this capability just by reading this book. You are going to have to train your nervous system through practice over many years. One of the ways I recommend doing this is to use Provocation Meditation (see Chapter 10). Sit, close your eyes, and seek to identify a few of your current fears. Then keep asking yourself "What if that happens?" over and over so that you can envision the entire chain of events. Then sit with that outcome and use the techniques I’ve shared to make friends with that potential reality.

Without a doubt, a daily meditation practice should be a core part of your Masculine development.

I recommend you do this with what is called an Ujjayi breath. This involves breathing through the nose (mouth closed) but slightly constricting the back of the throat so that you create an audible sound, similar to what you do when you whisper. Ujjayi has a long list of known benefits on the heart, brain, digestion, nervous system, and immune system that you can research

The next breath exercise is one I simply describe as a "lung expander". I’m not aware of its origins, but it is used in many domains. The practice is very simple. Take in a full breath and hold it. Then take two more sips of breath into the lungs to bring them to their absolute maximum capacity. Hold for five seconds and then release.

Perform this ten times in the morning, and again at night. In just a few days you’ll start to feel the cumulative effects and your breath should start to become more effortless

The third exercise comes from Kundalini tradition and is called Breath of Fire. I’ve seen many promises associated with it: calming, detoxing, pain relieving, mentally invigorating, etc. The one claim I can make with confidence is that it absolutely wakes up my body if done consistently and vigorously. It focuses on the abdomen, solar plexus, and chest, which is where most of us hold a lot of tension

All of which, of course, contradicts your deeper intention to stand strong and lead your woman. You want to hear her pain. You want to feel closer to her. You want to be a rock for her. You want to lead her back to her heart. You want to open her up.

Yet despite your intention, you do the exact opposite because you’re prioritizing self-protection from fear over the health of the relationship. So, in this context, I offer this guidance: be more committed to the connection with your woman than to avoiding your fears and her intensity. When the hurt, anger, fear, and anxiety within you scream at you to pull away, remember your deepest intention: to stay grounded, to be connected to this woman, to be with THIS woman.

When the urge to run, defend, explain, attack, or withdraw arises, simply say to yourself "No, I am not doing that." Rely on all of the techniques I’ve given you. Use your breath. See her vulnerable side. Become present. Hear her pain rather than the blame. Ask for a pause. Use the embodiment exercises to develop your nervous system capacity. Anything. Whatever it takes to fight through your reactivity and stay true to your deeper intention.

escape her own fear and anxiety. She may attack you, insult you, storm out of the room, or hang up on you. My guidance is to steadfastly refuse the rejection. Don’t accept that your woman, in her chaotic and obviously impaired state, gets to unilaterally shut down the connection. YOU choose to keep the connection open.

There have been times when my woman has done this. Where she was feeling so hurt she stopped communicating or told me "Don’t call me." This definitely triggers my abandonment issues. I hate it, but I know that deep down, it is really a test of my devotion. Her most dysfunctional part is trying to hide and isolate. But her deepest self is hoping that I will be her rock. That I will stand strong for the relationship even when she can’t. That I will be there for her, despite her bad behavior. And that I will not accept her isolating herself.

So, when she tries to do this, I back off on the issue at hand and give her a little space to settle, but I stay engaged. I don’t let her unilaterally shut down the connection. And I don’t withdraw as a result of her withdrawal. I might send a simple text letting her now that I’m here for her, but without pressing too hard to be in contact or to keep hashing out the issue at hand. In that text, I could also add some structure by saying "Let’s get a good night’s sleep and we can talk tomorrow" rather than just leaving things open-ended regarding future communication.